The Body Remembers

Today I woke up and just felt a little bit off. It took a little longer to get out of bed and decide what to wear to work. I eventually ended up in the shower and my mind wandered to memories of Aaron’s multiple cancer surgeries, and visits to Seattle for treatment. I broke down in tears in the shower as the feelings of grief turned to mourning. It came out of what seemed like nowhere… but the body remembers.

I continue to be amazed at what our bodies can do, what they can feel, what they can think, what they can remember. I don’t know if the upcoming holidays created space for my body to deeply feel what happened 9 years ago, or if it was the weather and falling leaves. 9 years ago, we were preparing for a family trip to Hawaii, given to us by anonymous generosity. We went to Seattle to prepare for what we thought would be the next treatment plan once we returned from Hawaii, but MRI’s rarely lie. The tumor is his lung had grown exponentially, and a second tumor was now growing in the other lung. It was a crushing day. With the advice from the team of doctors, we went to Hawaii anyway and met with them over the phone to talk about next steps.

I don’t know how my body remembered this today, but it became clear once I started scrolling through Facebook memories that my seemingly random thoughts and tears about Aaron’s cancer treatment were not random at all. Our bodies don’t forget… at least mine didn’t.

As I navigate grief, I continue to be surprised. Even years after loss, and good hard work of mourning and integrating grief into my life, after finding hope and healing, my body still will let me know when there is something I haven’t fully mourned yet. I am grateful for this, even though it hurts. Now, when the pains of grief hit, I know to let myself feel it… to write about it… to cry through it… to cherish even the hard memories.

For me, today this grief is a gift. I know how weird that sounds. But it reminds me that I was loved, and that I still love those who have gone before. Through my tears, my mourning, and my memories, I am grateful.