Milestones

This December has been gray. I live in the Portland, OR area and it has been very, very rainy and very, very gray. Come to find out, I don’t handle lack of sunshine well, my mind and body start to slow down and depression moves in. I take my vitamin D and am sitting in front of my happy light as I type. These do help some. But even with those, I struggle. I didn’t know that I suffered from Seasonal Affective Disorder until I moved to a rainy area 4 years ago. Now I know and can be more proactive in my emotional care, but the struggle continues.

Yesterday, my youngest turned 16 years old. 16 is a big milestone, one that included Eric and I taking him to the DMV. Eli is a fully licensed driver and couldn’t be happier about it. Yesterday was a milestone day for Eli.

Milestone days will always be complicated for me and yesterday was no exception. I know there are those who would say just lean into the joy of it all. I do lean into the joy of it. And I have learned I cannot ignore the grief that accompanies these days.  That doesn’t mean I’m not joyful about the milestone. It just means there are layers. There will always be layers. Ignoring the layer of grief actually makes leaning into the joy more difficult. It seems strange, but to experience the true joy of the moment, I need to acknowledge the grief. When I am genuine with myself, I can feel all the things my body is telling me to feel. When I’m not, I don’t feel much at all. SAD complicates this for me. When I’m already feeling down, it takes a lot to do the things I know I need to do for my mental health. My tendency is to just shut down. And sometimes I do. Sometimes a good nap gives me the energy I need to do the things. And sometimes I need to just push myself to engage with whatever it is I need to engage with. Today I just have to push myself.

I missed Aaron a lot yesterday. (And that does not mean the love I have for Eric is any less.) I missed the wisdom he would have shared with Eli as he became a licensed driver. For his 16^th, Eli received the last of the things Aaron had put together to give the kids after he died… the last of the things. Ugh. Eli was given a tool bag with all the tools that Aaron had purchased, some I had purchased, and one from his Great Grandpa. I missed how Aaron would have sat with Eli showing him each tool, how to use it, how to properly care for it, and talk about the responsibility that comes with such a gift. Aaron was a man who loved tools, and so this would have brought him great pleasure and satisfaction. There is a true and right sadness that he wasn’t there to do these things with his son.

This has been a year full of milestones, and some more are coming up with a college graduation and a wedding. I need to remind myself that I need to allow myself to feel all the things I need to feel. To embrace the joy, I need to feel and acknowledge the grief.